i AM the BIGGEST FOOL on earth. it didnt take as long as i tot it wld to realise dat.
thx for the wakening slap across the face.
random thoughts at 9:38:00 AM
yday was q a bad day i think. but i'm glad shifu n hy were there for me. i only allowed myself 1/2hr to get over with the pangs of sadness. for q some time, i cldnt find the tears. they just wldnt come anymore. but they came back for a short visit yday, n left just as quickly as they came.
i love standing by my kitchen window, staring out at the skies, gazing at the nice green park opposite, looking at ailin's window to c if she's there(haha), watching the cars n buses coming n going.. it makes me feel calm i guess :)
but sumtimes my gaze wld also (unintentionally?) fall upon the busstop, right at the little spot between the trees n the small stretch of stairs where i wld sumtimes wave gdbye to him while he waited for his bus. it's weird how some rather insignificant little things stay in our memories when we dun remember them on purpose.
i have the silly habit of smiling constantly to myself, thinking of the times we'v spent together, the way he laughs n smiles, how it felt to b in his arms,.. but now the silly smiles r gone, the xing fu feeling is gone. i noe i will move on just fine. i only nid a little more time. but sumtimes i just cant help but wish he still loved me. then again, i wld rem how much my heart hurt when things were still dragging on meaninglessly, n i'd think to myself, mayb it isnt such a gd idea to wish for such silly things anymore. i used to think dat it's v cliche when u watch tv n some person is saying dat his/her "xin1 sui4 le4". haha but now dat i'v experienced dat, it's lyk woah! it really is DAT bad. ur heart really hurts lyk hell when it feels as though it's shattering to tiny bits n hot tears wld just keep streaming down ur face non-stop.
now dat more than a wk has passed, i suddenly wonder if i din initiate the break up, when was he going to tell me? was he just waiting for me to initiate it? i dunno. but anw, i was listening to songs on winamp as it shuffled the songs on it's own, den it played Gareth Gate's Say It Isn't So. haha i think the lyrics (ignore the little bits abt the train) r the closest dat any song lyrics can get to how i'm feeling.
BUT.
i sound pathetic! dis is not how i shd b.
i shd stop feeling dat way.
i noe :)
i just cant help it :(
i nid more time :|
(i swear 1 day i wld luk back at dis entry n think i sound lyk a stupid fool.)
random thoughts at 1:06:00 AM
Final call you board the train
Heading for tomorrow
I wave goodbye to yesterdays
Wipe the tears you hide your face
Blinded by the sorrow
How can I be smiling like before
When baby, you don't love me anymore
Say it isn't so
Tell me you're not leaving
Say you changed your mind now
That I am only dreaming
That this is not goodbye
This is starting over
If you wanna know
I don't wanna let go
So say it isn't so
Ten to five at least we tried
We're still alive but hope just died
As they close the door behind you
Whistle blows and tons of steel
Shake the ground beneth the wheels
As I wish I never found you
How can I be smiling when you're gone
Will I be strong enough to carry on
Miles and miles to go before I can say,
Before I can lay my love for you to sleep
Oh, darling oh
I got miles and miles to go
Before anyone will ever hear
Me laugh again
-Gareth Gates
Say It Isn't So
random thoughts at 1:04:00 AM
Saturday, November 26, 2005
| Your Birthdate: January 11 |
 Spiritual and thoughtful, you tend to take a step back from the world. You're very sensitive to what's going on around you, yet you remain calm. Although you are brilliant, it may take you a while to find your niche. Your creativity is supreme, but it sometimes makes it hard for you to get things done. Your strength: Your inner peace Your weakness: You get stuck in the clouds Your power color: Emerald Your power symbol: Leaf Your power month: November |
my God. my power month is NOVEMBER??! i hate november the most (i think).. haha oh well, mayb it means november's the month were i get to exercise my strength-inner peace. hahahaha
random thoughts at 10:44:00 PM
Sunday, November 20, 2005
the past few wks have been hell! studying for exams, feeling stressed n sad over other things. but it's all come to a nice ending. hopefully i do okay enuf for my exams n dun da bao anything, den my life wld b just abt great.
after all dis while, i'v come to realised some things. it's most impt to just b happy! relationships dun last 4eva, but frenship does. suddenly feel v appreciative of my frens, esp ry, yq, py, hy, zq, pei n my shifu too.. for most of listed 7, 5 of them hav always been there for me no matter wad. i noe i can always count on them to b there for me, n as for the 2 new additions, haha it's just a coincidence dat they happened to b online at the right time for me to talk to, which i'm v grateful for. 1 can nv b unwelcoming of more gd frens!
many thing r out of our control ba, but it's impt to face reality esp when problems start bubbling up. i'm glad i managed to come to terms with some things n did the right thing (thanks to the courage given to me by py at the critical moment), altho it does feel v weird n unnatural to not feel sad. in fact, i even feel kinda guilty abt it.
something was said in the process dat hurt me q alot. but at the same time, i was enlightened by the very same sentence. i'v always loved confrontations of any sort. makes me feel knowing n in control of wad's really going on. i guess it was wad made the difference b4 n after, cos after dat the sadness n feelings just faded away quickly n was replaced by indifference n surprising calmness. yday nite i had the best nite's slp since the start of the month.
suddenly rem watching a keanu reeves movie called Sweet November. nov hasnt been all dat sweet for me up til the 19th. but at least i noe the remaining 11 days can only get sweeter :) zq's right. i'm really a different person now. n it really does feels gd to b in full control.
random thoughts at 6:19:00 AM